12/7/2024

Finally decided to add this section. I haven't been updating as much recently because I've felt really sick and have been in constant pain. I think it's an ear infection. It feels like the roots of a tree (like in my ear) is growing into my brain. All my joints and bones ache and my stomach has been killing me. I'm going to a minute clinic later today. Hope it's nothing too bad. I got checked out. They said it was an ear infection, I don't know. Something just feels wrong.

12/8/2024

I woke up and finished up a bunch of homework. I feel behind as a result of being sick. I rewrote a project over illustrators so I can practice and perform it Friday. Started and sort of finished a project on LSD. Still trying to get myself to start my math stuff. I just can't do it. Two more weeks off school are left. If I weren't so busy, I think I'd be fine not going in. My body really hurts today, my ears are hit or miss, but everything just hurts.

12/9/2024

I skipped school today because I feel awful and my parents thought I looked bad. My limbs still really ache. My ears don't feel too bad, they just start hurting randomly. I slept from 10:30 to 5:20 then from 6:30 to 12:20. I spent the rest of the day working on homework. I tried practicing my speech for Friday but my speech is all messed up. My brain is jumbling up my thoughts. I'm trying to get myself to work on my math homework. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to stop working at all in there, but I need to raise my grade so I can get that credit. I feel like throwing up my dinner, but I don't want to miss tomorrow, we're playing DND in Fantasy. I made Summer as my character, but I won't get to play as her because I volunteered as a DM. I finally finished homework, my limbs are very shaky so it makes holding stuff difficult. I'm also misspelling a lot. I'll probably go in tomorrow because I'm not sick. I just hurt.

12/10/2024

In school, but I don't think I should be. I have a project due in one of my classes that I haven't started. I'm not even sure how to start it. I feel like getting sick. It was foggy this morning, I'm shocked they didn't give us a delay. I couldn't even see the bus. I just saw it's glowing lights until it pulled up in front of me. I'm dreading JAG today. I don't really want to practice my speech in front of everyone. I love Mrs. Y, but she cares too much about me. Not just me but everyone. I just don't have the energy to deal with that today. I barely made it through AP Drawing before I finally just had to stop painting. I gave my speech today, it didn't go as bad as I thought it was going to. She did promote my social media in front of the class. That makes me nervous. I never feel as if I'm good enough for this. I failed a math quiz over stuff we learned yesterday. At this point, I'm done trying. My gums are bruised and ache, not sure why. I got stuck in Fantasy. I don't have to dm (luckily!) but I'm with the most annoying group of boys. I can't get a word in. I feel bad for our dm.

12/11/2024

There's not much to add in today. I got my work done. I'm sitting in study hall right now. I saw that it was supposed to snow. None of my classes have a window, I won't be able to tell until I go home. I keep thinking about him today. A is going to call RT for his birthday, I'm a bit jealous that she has better luck, but I also know why he's such a challenge. Still, a girl can dream. My teacher is DM for us today. At least he lets me play. It's funny, I can't remember what happened today. I came home and watched The Simpsons, I worked on my website, but after that it's all a blur. It can't be a blur. I got home at 2 and it's 10. I just don't remember anything. I didn't practice my speech like I was supposed to. I want to skip Friday honestly. Not like I have any other reason to go in right now.

12/12/2024

I don't have much to comment on today. I emailed my counselor at school last week to see if I could meet up with her to remove Pre-Calc from my schedule (because you know, failing). She never replied and everyone told me to send another. I guess I shouldn't have because she sounded annoyed in her email. She's been busy with the juniors. Now I feel bad. I don't like feeling this way. It makes me stomach hurt too much. As for my health, I feel a bit better, I think? Everything still hurts, but my ears don't hurt as much. It's mostly my mouth. My teeth started hurting really really badly yesterday, I'm not certain why. My mom said she would take me to the doctor if I still felt bad by tomorrow, but I do not know if she is going to. I'm honestly more afraid that the doctor is going to ignore my issues like she has before. There is not much else to say about today. I started telling myself that I felt fine, because I do, but then other times, I don't.

12/13/2024

Today is the day I present my speech. I tried to do a few run throughs last night, but I sound so out of it. I shouldn't be so nervous. It's the same speech I did last year with some changed information, but I think having teachers as judges really adds pressure. Last year, I was nearly selected to be the one to do it at the actual contest, but I sounded like I was going to cry the entire time (or atleast that's what one of my friends told me). I do not think I have a shot this time. Mrs. Y put on my form that I was not great at socialization, but we also only knew each other for a month. Still, she's not wrong. I saw this teacher I like earlier (I dressed nice for my speech... and I'm wearing an ugly Christms sweater because it's ugly sweater day and I never get to wear it) I did four loops just to see if I could ever see him. He looks like S, just a bit blonder and maybe older. I gave my speech and I'll be honest... it didn't go too hot. It wasn't awful, not like the time I cried in front of my class, but it just wasn't the way I wanted it to go. I was so nervous and I felt so sick to my stomach, I stammered through my entire dialogue and missed stuff that I wanted to say. Everyone told me that I did well, but I think they were lying to make me feel better. My stomach feels weird right now. I felt sick before I gave the speech, I do not think it's nerves anymore. I'm thinking about S right now, I hope he's thinking of me. I decided I wanted to try to make more friends so I went on this site where I could befriend people... I don't know, I have issues making friends in real life. Not like I'm much better online. Turns out the guy I thought was a younger dude is actually a forty year-old balding guy. I don't know how to say no. He makes my stomach hurt even worse. I deleted my social media... I keep responding to his text because I get too sick to my stomach to do anything else. I think what bothers me most is that I let him read some of my Summer stuff. I feel like I'm hurting Summer and John by letting his eyes ever fall near them. I think she would be disappointed in me.

12/14/2024

Worked on my dad's christmas gift. Didn't do anything else today. I don't have any energy to work on my website today. I rewatched that Peanuts special for the first time in years, I feel more and more like Charlie Brown.

12/15/2024

Our highschool does a huge choir performance right before Christmas. Like the band, choir, and orcherstra all perform together. I don't know, I don't care for it. They sound good, but it's also a bit cringy at times. Not my point. My sister was in part of it, so I had to go. I don't know why but my mood at suddenly decreased. My ears and body really hurt, just like before this infection is long lasting. I went back to working on this site. It's keeping me distracted right now. I don't want to work on my homework, but luckily it's my last week before break. S hasn't posted in a while. I can't stop thinking about him. I've been texting W all weekend, everytime I see a funny meme I send it to him, he's really the last person I have left. I sent one meme referencing dating... I should have known better. He wanted me to hang out with him in the morning but then I got sick. I can't believed I ruined this. I don't think I'm going to make it to Christmas.

12/16/2024

This is my last week of school. I'm counting down the days. I see W when I come upstairs to first period and when I'm leaving last period. Luckily, he doesn't see me in the morning. I might change my leaving routine. I want to change my appearence. I don't know why. Cut off all my hair, dye it black, be someone new for a moment. I managed to avoid him leaving school today, now only if I can avoid him for the rest of my life. The rest of my day was uneventful. Tomorrow's our last day playing DND, I actually kind of like the game, but no one I know plays. I wonder how hard it is to play by myself. I came home and got Wendy's because J had a concert that I wanted to go to. It was great. It's funny, I love music but whenever I hear him perform it's so much bigger than the original. He could play dogshit but it would still be pleasant. One of his memembers was a guy who kind of looked like Paul Mccartney (I've never really felt attracted to him, I'm more of a Ringo fan), but he was eye candy the entire time. I think I like college guys. It actually kind of made me interested in going to college. I thought my ear pain was going away, but it's getting worse again. My jaw, gums, brain, ears, pretty much everything hurt right now. I was washing my hands and I kept seeing green. I hope I die so I don't have to take my math test tomorrow.

12/17/2024

Still here. I feel sick but I still came in today. I'm supposed to work on a Econ study guide, but I'm honestly not feeling it. I don't even really want to work on this site righ now. Working on preparing for finals. Nothing hard, just a lot of work. We had our last day of DND... well, to best describe the nightmare it was, I'd like to quote Billy Joel, "There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex." A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than how my DND game went. Eh, but I'm too excited right now to focus on it. I got accepted into my dream school. I was told before I wouldn't be able to go because it was too expensive and faraway, but they gave me a 19,000$ scholarship. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's a little hard not too. Before I even found out, I was busy dreaming about college. Freedom, boys, being someone new. I like the idea of it. Funny, I was telling JG about the guy I saw yesterday and he told me he thinks I'm mentally still a child or something like that. Pretty much getting a crush on boys the way I do is considered weird. I don't know. I don't feel weird.

12/18/2024

My neck is killing me today. I need to go back to sleeping at 10 and not waiting till 11 or 12. I failed that math test from yesterday, I haven't even been trying anymore. I'm still waiting to get called down to get it removed from my schedule. Ironic as it is, I just got my pass to go down there. I think I want to take a 3rd art class or something art related. I want senior year to be easy. Just got back, they won't change it. I fucking hate this school. There's a kid in my class that was able to get removed by pure luck and the fact that he is loved by all the counselors. My math teacher is super pissed that me and other kids were not removed. I finally got a message back from School H, they are working on fixing an issue with my application so I think I'll be in soon. I'm still thinking about School C, I get why I can't go, but I'm also a bit upset about it. It's not about the school as much as it is being forced to do what everyone else wants 24/7. I can't pick any school I'm actually interested in, I can't swap a failing class for something I know I can succeed in, I can't do anything I want to do to myself. I'm waiting for college because maybe for once I'll have more control over myself and what happens, then again, life isn't fair like that. JAG class is getting more interesting, I feel more lively in there, I can say what I want and people joke back with me. The issue is that they aren't laughing as if I am funny naturally, they like it when I'm embarrassing myself. I am only something good to them when they want something to make fun of. It hurts a bit. I wish I didn't have to dumb myself down in front of my friends to get them to like me, but for once people are interacting with me. I'll take what I can get. I told my dad the wonderful news about not being able to leave that stupid class. He's blaming me just like she did. It's always questioning why I didn't get help when I needed it, but that's the problem. Help is never here. Not in math. Not when I need help mentally. Not when I need it physically. So how am I supposed to ask for help when it never comes.

12/19/2024

Last night I tried studying for my math final. It ended between a (near shouting) crying argument. I don't understand why they won't listen to me. My dad keeps saying he'll get me out of that class by just annoying the counselors about it, but that's just going to hurt me in the end. I got a 98% on my Health final, 64% on Econ, and I'm still waiting for Fantasy and Pre-Calc. I ended up with a 72% on math, I'm disappointed but I guess that's better than an F. My dad went ahead and annoyed that counselor (atleast he agrees that she can be a bitch sometimes). I'm so angry with him. The issue is that when he does this shit where he annoys people, the people he annoys not only dislike him, but they take it out on me. I still have to put up with her for the rest of the year.

12/20/2024

Today is bland. I woke up at 4 am and suddenly lost all will to sleep. Too bad I still had an hour before I needed to get up. I forced myself back to sleep. It wasn't snowing, it was more like raining ice. I went inside and watched part of that new Simpsons Christmas special on Disney+, I'll finish it when I get home. I have no finals today, just a lot of free time. I finished up an assignment for AP Drawing, I'm in study hall right now. My dad got my schedule fixed. They put me in another math class. I had a teacher a few years ago that would show us problems and stuff from the class. I'm uberfucked.

12/21/2024

Sorry for the lack of updates yesterday. I felt super unwell all of yesterday and slept most of the day. I wish I hadn't slept. S posted for the first time in a while. Of course, everyone is calling him cute or talking about having a crush, which sucks, because I hate it when other people like him. It's fine though. I dreamt about Sleeping Beauty last night. He posted again!

12/24/2024

Sorry for not updating. I've been busy. I started feeling better, but now I just feel all wrong again. But it's Christmas, so I'll shut up. This feels like the first time in ages that Christmas feels like Christmas. Yesterday was J's 21st birthday, we went out drinking. I'm jealous a bit. I want to drink, I want to smoke, I want to be an adult. I think I have this adult thing sort of down, I guess. I don't know. I still have to wait to turn 18, which is in less than a month.

12/25/2024

Merry Christmas! I did not get to update much for today. I got two Billy Joel cardboard cutouts and two mask of his face. My mom and dad loved their presents, so I'm happy. We didn't do much this year, we're doing a family vacation in the summer because both J and FA are adults and I'll be in college. I ate strawberry pie because I didn't think strawberries would be bad for me. Turns out I'm allergic. Everyone laughed at me and made me feel like shit because I was apparently too stupid to know I was allergic. Then they turned around and tried to tell me off about how if I keep eating things I'm allergic to, it's just gonna get worse. It would be understandable if it was one thing, but it's so many things, and they won't actually take me to the doctor for any of it. I'm so upset.

12/26/2024

I woke up at five am feeling the worst I've ever felt. I think it's a mix of post christmas blues and just feeling sick.

12/30/2024

Sorry for the lack of updates. I've gotten worse, but I've been distracting myself by playing Roblox. Finally deleted it so I can go back to working. As for my health, everything feels bad right now. I feel super nausea and lightheaded. It's been a while since I showered, so I took one just to feel less dirty. I felt pretty lightheaded but I decided to finish it so I wouldn't embarass myself by passing out in the shower. Then I left to go redress, my brother heard me coughing and told me to shut up. I felt pretty lightheaded trying to go down the stairs. My mom asked if I wanted to still have people over tomorrow. I said yes. I don't know why. I don't want to get anyone sick since they are all over 50, but still, something is telling me to have people over. I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday.

12/31/2024

I've been sleeping most of the day. Outside of that, I've done nothing.

01/01/2025

Happy New Year to all! Thank you all for joining me this year in my art journey. 2024 hasn't been easy, but it gets easier the more I learned to cope with the challenges thrown at me. I think this has been my best art year in a long time. I've learned so much and I've seen some of my best developments. I broke out of my comfort zone and began working on my traditional skills, I worked hard and was able to get myself a better art program. I've been accepted into four art schools and have chosen Herron School Of Art and Design as my final destination. 2025 will be one of the most important years for me, and I hope you all will continue this journey with me.

1/3/2025

Yesterday I went to the doctor. Apparently, I had a sinus infection which was causing my pain. I'm on super strong stuff that is trying to fight it. Maybe once I've gotten through them all, I won't deal with these pains anymore? S posted today and yesterday, he's going to be at a con all weekend. I was thinking about him a lot the past few days. I think I might get our fortune read this weekend. I want to know everything.

1/05/2025

So I was supposed to go to school tomorrow, but with a huge storm hitting the area, I get an online day. That's fine with me. I got my COVID and flu shot on Saturday and my side effects are so bad. I threw up because my head hurt so badly last night. It's kind of funny, all Saturday I was pleased with how nice of sleep I got, only to have gotten the worst sleep ever the next day. I wanted to see if I could S's attention through posting doodles I did of him. He did not notice. I feel so sad because of this.

01/06/2025

My brain still hurts badly. I got all my work done and finished my project for JAG. We have another online day which I'm fine with. I think I'll stay up tonight to paint. I've been feeling bad about my lack of art recently.

01/08/2025

This was my first day back in school since winterbreak. I don't believe it is going to be as dreadful as I was convincing myself it would be. My classes are alright and good, so the rest of the year should be somewhat easy. I've been promising Mrs. Y that I'll try talking more and trying to make friends. It won't be too hard, I'm in a few classes that I know more people and have a bit of an urge to talk. Still, I can't really make friends the way I'd like to. It's a bit shocking about how many former teachers remind me, then again, I have a slightly uncommon name and very noticeable features. I felt a bit left out in JAG, M and JG are becoming friends, and it's pretty much because of me. Which I love, no question. Still, I feel like a third wheel between them. I think I'm being dramatic.

01/09/2025

I've been having a lot of issues with this site recently. One of the resources I used on my front page ended up screwing up my site leading to scam sites being linked. I had to delete a lot before finally getting somewhere. I think it's better now. Admittedly, I feel a bit distraught. I hated that for what might have been 48 hours, no one could feel safe on my site. I introduced M and W since we all have lunch together, similar to JG and M, the two of them got along really well. Too well. I've been thinking about turning 18 soon. I am not ready. It's not depression, I think, it is something else.

01/10/2025

I don't know what I was expecting JG to do when I mentioned M and W becoming friends. He just laughed and said that they all had the same ideas. It bothers me a lot. Still it's pretty stupid to worry about. I've been thinking about life more and more lately.

01/12/2025

I've been thinking more and more about life like I said above. Some days I feel high, while others I am at an all time low. I planned this all out years ago, I've always dreaded turning 18 as a result. Each time things were different. I'm more realistic now, I have a deep fear that nothing will work as planned. I've been cleaning up my phone and room recently just to make sure everything goes perfectly. I'm an emotional person at heart, I get too attatched to the good things. My dad invited me to play outside in the snow with him. I said yes because I was doing nothing else. We tried building a snowman which I don't think we've done in years. The snow wasn't great, so we settled for throwing snowballs at each other. We kept throwing me into the snow and them we made faces in the snow. That felt like the first time I saw him smile the way he did. He laughs and smile a lot but this just felt different. I regret the way I feel about this. We went out today and spent an hour together getting my sister's phone (I swear she was just seven yesterday, where is the time going?). I feel like the worst daughter in the world. It's not just him. I'm hurting Mrs. Y. You see, we're doing this state-wide competetion in class, she orignally wanted a different kid but he refused to do it. She asked me Friday night. I said yes because if I don't do it, no one will. It's in early feburary, right after my Billy Joel concert. If I do it, they won't have anyone to go. If I don't, will I be prepared? I can't screw things up for us, I get money if I do good, our class gets money if we do good. I don't want to draw anyone else into this. I'll have to decide eventually what I'm willing to do.

01/13/2025

We had a discussion in JAG about keeping your word when promising to do something. She must be aware. It's almost creepy because of how she can read me. She also threw out a question about where we see ourselves in five years. We luckily didn't have to answer but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I kind of want to tell M about it, but then it would also make me reveal exactly what is going on in my head and that's even worse. AP gave me all her money for class, I don't know what to do it with it. I'm close to 170 dollars. I think I'll try to share the wealth right before it. It's not like I used it in class anyway.

01/14/2025

I don't have much to throw out today. I'm just working per usual. Despite all that I complained of yesterday, I am doing better it seems. We had a guest speaker come in to talk about resumes and cover letters. I must admit, it got my interest in adulthood back. I found out that over a month ago, a company reached out to do a collab with me on YouTube, I was admittedly pretty upset with myself for not noticing it in my spam. I reached back out, but I suppose it's too late.

01/15/2025

My bus was late this morning by thirty minutes. It was about -5 outside, my toes were freezing to the point of pain. I was late to school because of it, but I don't think I was punished for it. M brought this girl over to our lunch table. I don't like her very much. She's just kind of a mean girl to me, W, and W's friend, N. I get that we're kind of geeky and weird, but still. I guess I have to put up with her for a while. I don't really get to talk to anyone at lunch anymore, I just kind of have to sit there. JG and M don't talk to me much in class anymore. Well, they talk to each other more. I don't like the way it makes me feel. I should not be upset with them for being friends, I just want to be included.

01/16/2025

I talked to a professional illustrator yesterday, it went pretty well. I got a lot of interesting tips and advice about my future career. I actually feel very confident in my working abilities. M and J are really starting to kick me from our group, I feel like the only time they talk to me is when they are talking down on me or when they need help with something I have already done. I guess it's my fault for wishing I had more friends in class. I think, sometimes, that I am cursed to feel lonely forever. I just don't know what else to do.

01/17/2025

We found a lump on Daisy's paw. From googling around, it's either a cyst or a tumor. She's older, so we're worrying it's cancer. We're trying to see if we can get a visit in with a vet, but it seems like most vets around us are booked up. I've been sobbing all day. I don't want to lose her. Not right now.

01/18/2025

The lump has gone down. My grandma says she thinks it's a wart which would make sense. We're keeping an eye on it. Nothing else has happened recently; I went to the dentist. I have two cavities. I wish I could figure out what was causing me to get them easily. For once, I'd like to walk out with the upperhand and have none.

01/21/2025

It was really cold this morning. I am annoyed that my school refused to call a delay even when all the other schools did. My neighbor invited me into her garage like last time, but the bus came early this time. M didn't sit with us today and W wasn't here. During class, M and JG ignored me. My friends on Discord made a pass about me being an only child, I don't get it. They said they didn't mean it in offense, but it feels like I should take it that way.

01/22/2025

We had a delay this morning, much to my shock because we rarely get delays. I played on my phone for a while and then played on my computer till I had to leave. My classes are only 25 minutes each now. I went out to the bus too early because I did my math wrong, my face was frozen and really hurt. I saw H today, I see her in the halls a lot. I missed her a lot. We talked for a while. I found out she looked for me when her sister was taking saturday classes because she knew I took them too. Funny because I look for her too randomly. I found some kids to come with me to a club next Friday. It said they were going to make their own short films. I've always wanted to do that. It's W and N, I don't think I've ever mentioned N before. We just met this year. He's friends with W. He's pretty funny. I like him a lot. I'm still thinking about H. When we first saw each other, she asked if I was going to see Billy Joel since he's coming to Indiana next month. I know it's hard to forget about my love for him, but the fact she remembers is just... ah! S posted for the first time in a while. I wish he posted more.

01/23/2025

I haven't done much today. But what else is new? Mrs. Y and I are working on my slide show. She wanted a childhood picture of me for my slides so I searched through my mom's facebook. I don't know why... but it made me sad? Like I started to sob as I looked at these photos. It just felt odd.

01/24/2025

I haven't done much today. I painted all morning as I do every Friday. I created a gummy bear masterpiece (if you have ever wondered about the chance of a gummy bear dictorship).

01/25?2025

This is it. I turn 18 tomorrow. Admittedly, I've been depressed and grieving all week. It sounds stupid, but everything is changing so much and so fast. It's hard to stay in control of everything. I realized that I've gained four pounds since the last time I weighed myself; I weighed myself late October and was 207. When I weighed myself late November I was at 220. Now I'm 224. I decided to run on the treadmill like I did a year ago. I got too lighthead to go very far. I made it 15 minutes before having to give up because my headache was too strong. I'll figure it out. Yesterday, Mrs. Y made a special post about me for our competition. It made me sick to my stomach. It really did. I don't even know why but I felt like throwing up all over myself at the thought of being something special. Things have been weird recently. It's like my birthday has been shoved into the corner, not forgotten about, just not considered. Everyone is busy so we're celebrating at 10 in the morning.

01/26/2025

Well, I'm 18 today. I decided to celebrate it by downloading a few dating apps. Honestly, I don't know. I talked to a few people but I need real life physical intmacy. I realized today that I can messaged S now. I tried texting but he never replied I'm so excited.

01/27/2025

I think my short (very short) time dating has officially come to an end. I just don't feel anything with anyone online. I need something more. I need S. W and N were upset at what I was doing mostly because they said I was too young. I don't know. Somehow W and N randomly admitted they think I'm pretty? N had a crush on a girl who apparently looked just like me. Is it strange to say I've been thinking about that all day? I never saw myself pretty and I really don't see it still. It's also made me incredibly aware of how I look more than usual. I think when I go home, I'll run on the treadmill.

01/30/2025

I'm sick again, but what is new? Last night, I had a dream where my mom finally became aware of FA behavior. She started ranting and telling me things I already know, but I woke up before she could tell me the one thing I didn't know.

02/01/2025

February already? Time is going so fast, yet so slow. I had a few practice interviews yesterday. I talked to the woman who works at Skyzone and she told me she thinks I should be famous. I don't know. I don't know if I have that in me. It's funny. I really wasn't anxious, It felt easy being able to just speak. The only thing I need to work on is my assertiveness. I'm goal oriented. I know what I want. But I really have to demand it too.